Failure

I cannot talk about my year in the CrossFit Sports Program without talking about Failure.

It is funny, I am a professor in the Western Kentucky Photojournalism program. We are one of the top programs in the nation. I talk to my students all the time about taking risks...putting yourself out there...failing. Yet when it comes to my own, well, that is a bit more challenging. I don't want to fail.

So that 15.5 redo...epic fail. A few WODs after...epic fail. Now to my credit I have also had some really, really good days. Really good days that I cherish. But I am not good at failure, and this is why that is a problem.

Let me start with my day today.
I was working on my snatch balance with Derrick today. He is a great coach and always, patiently corrects my moves. I am very appreciative.
It helps that he is a psychologist because I am a mental disaster, it seems to take me a long time to get weightlifting moves to become natural. I want to pull the weight with my arms. I want to be in control. Not fail. That will only get me so far.
When we were finished he said something very important - "you need to go up in your weight...you are not lifting heavy enough."

I thought he meant that I was just being a wuss:

wuss

wo͝os/

informal

noun

1. 1.

   a weak or ineffectual person (often used as a general term of abuse).

verb

1. 1.

   fail to do or complete something as a result of fear or lack of confidence.

   "she'll probably wuss out because she fears my mighty bowling prowess"

Yes. That verb was talking to me.

But when I got home and had a longer discussion with my husband (a former college wrestler and weightlifter) I realized what Derrick was saying was much more profound than that.

In order to improve - in order to make my form correct, I had to move PAST the comfort zone where I could muscle up the weight. 

I will not improve in form as long as stay at a weight where I can use bad form. BUT since I don't want to FAIL I stay at 65lbs instead of going to 75 lbs. 

There is a bit of pressure being in the Sports Program. The expectations are high. Can failure be a part of that? It has to be. I have to put labels and expectations out of my head. I have to focus on what will make me a stronger, mindful athlete. Mentally I must prepare for success and failure. Both will be a part of a program this intense. 

So in my journey to pursue 5 more pounds (metaphorically) I am pushing the weight. I will be more comfortable with failure. I will remind myself how to properly drop the bar, because it will probably be happening more regularly.

Failure has to be a part of CrossFit training. It is funny, I never judge my fellow athletes when they fail, I never judge my students, my daughter or anyone else - I even admire some failures. I understand that if someone is pushing themselves to an uncomfortable place, failure is necessary.

Michael Jordan said, "I can accept failure, everyone fails at something. I can't accept not trying."

That is important. If my coaches will have patience with me, I will not give up. My form will improve. My mobility will improve. I will become the athlete I wish to be. And failure will be part of the journey. It has to be.

Mental Illness

Every CrossFitter has their demon WOD. Mine is 15.5.
For those of you who are not familiar with this particular WOD, it is a workout from 2015's Open; it was 27, 21,15, 9 reps of 65lb thrusters and calorie row. Terrible.
It was terrible the first time, and recently I had to do it again for part of Sports Training...terrible.

Something good comes out of everything, and what I was reminded of was that CrossFit is mental. Mental, Mental, Mental.

After not performing like I wanted on the 15.5, I questioned my strength, my endurance and my overall Cross-fitness. But after taking the emotion out of the failure, I realized that my biggest hurdle was mental: the ability to fight through a threshold of pain and not drop the bar.

Mental Toughness is as much a part of CrossFit training as leaning to do a proper squat, or learning a kipping pull-up. I think part of it is built into your DNA, but you can make yourself mentally tougher if you are willing to put in the work.

After my Epic Fail I decided I would do what any professor would do, research Mental Toughness.

I found a very scholarly article on the subject. :) Men's Fitness. :)
OK. But it makes some good points!
Sean Hyson states that there are several qualities that make Mental Toughness attainable:
1. Be a Self-Starter
2. Find you zone - your ability to have a cool head
3. Be Positive
4. Talk to yourself -not like a crazy person - but as Hyson states, "You should be your own coach. Speak to yourself in the second person with statements such as, ‘You are going to give this every- thing you have,’”
5. Visualize
6. Meditate
7. Get Uncomfortable
8. Be prepared

http://www.mensfitness.com/training/build-muscle/mental-toughness-training?page=3

The quality I will focus on is #7, Get Uncomfortable. Because I think you can teach an athlete to get there if they are willing. I am willing
I am now doing thrusters every day. I hate how they feel, but someone stated - in something I read -that our muscles don't like to be uncomfortable, so they send messages to our brain to stop exercising when it gets hard. You have to send a message back to your muscles that tells them to shut the fuck up!

I am doing this by NOT putting the bar down for at least 2-3 three reps past my brain yelling at me to do so, and it is slowly working. I wait until the grip is gone and the arms cannot push me up any more, or I lose my balance. I think it will pay off.

Phil Jackson said, "As much as we pump iron and we run to build strength up, we need to build our mental strength up...so we can focus..."

I have always loved Phil Jackson and recommend his book, Sacred Hoops.

Now I will digress here, and maybe even wine a bit.
I get all that.
I try to practice it, but I am hoping some of you understand this. Life gets in the way.
This has been one of the toughest years I have been through in a while. I won't give you my laundry list or invite you to my little pity party, but the outside stuff has really wanted to get in the door to my CrossFit world.

I purposefully do not bring my cellphone into the Box because of this. I want my time in the Box to be MY TIME. This helps keep me focused. But it drives my husband crazy!

There are moments where my mental focus has been spot-on. When we went to compete in the Reindeer Rampage in Frankfort, Ky. for the last WOD of the day, I could feel a level of mental strength that was purposeful. Melanie and I killed that WOD!
And when we had to do Fight Gone Bad with over 300 reps. I was ready. Erin made us do that one in the dark, with no one else and no music. Perfect. The Balance was there. There was a sense of Purpose. I knew it, I could feel it.

But getting to your "Dark Place," your "Nirvana," or your "Zone" - whatever you call it - is not every day, and is not easy. Athletes like Rich Froning make a lot of money because they are the few who have figured out how to do it on a regular basis.

I have not. But I will keep trying. I will read books, because that is what I do, I will listen to my coaches and my teammates, because that is what I do, and I will keep adding 5 more pounds and 5 more reps, and I won't drop the bar. And one day I will see 15.5 again...and I won't be afraid.

Stole this but worth reading

This is a post I found about swimming, which I can totally relate to as a competitive swimmer in high school (and I still swim once a week). But why I post it on my CrossFit blog, is that it works just as well if you substitute "crossfit" for swimming...

It is called "Dear Swimming, the best thing that ever happened to me" (remember, just sub in "crossfit")

Courtesy of Swimtern Bryana Cielo.  Follow: @BryanaCielo

You have made me cry a million times. You’ve made me think to the point of mental exhaustion, and you’ve broken down my body. You’ve made me immune to Advil.

But at the same time, you’ve made me smile a million and one times. You’ve taught me how to have a winner’s mindset and how to fight through physical pain. You’ve taught me how to help myself.

It’s no question you are one of the hardest sports out there. Us swimmers need to be fit, but not just in their legs or their arms. Everywhere. Your training is relentless. The clock has no mercy. It won’t hear our excuses.
And even when we’re positive and we put all of ourselves into you, sometimes races still don’t go our way. Because mental strength is just as important. We have to know how to make our bodies do exactly what it needs to do, at exactly the right moment. And if we make one mistake, it could cost us half a second. And half a second could mean everything.

As much as you have broken down my confidence, you’ve built it right back up.  You have enabled me to discipline myself like very few people in this world ever will.  You have taught me how to prioritize.  But, most importantly, you have taught me how to keep pushing when the going gets tough.  And it took me a long time to realize how strong you have made me.

Throughout my decade as a swimmer, I’ve watched so many people quit.  I’ve asked myself why I swim.  But the answer was always simple: I just can’t give it up.

Even though it’s been a few years since I’ve swam a lifetime best, I’ve come too far to quit.  You’ve planted a strong desire in me to lower the number on the board.  It’s never gone away, and I don’t think it ever will.  That desire is what makes us true athletes.  The relentless, never-good-enough attitude.  Always wanting to be better.  Thank you for making me always want to be better.

You are a huge part of who I am.  I’ve never seen another sport that is as complex as you are.  You’re a team sport, but if we mess up, it’s on us, and only us.  You’re physically challenging but you also forces us to be in incredibly good mental shape.  And nothing teaches dedication like staring at the same black line for 15 hours a week.

I held onto you because no matter how much you broke me down on the pool deck, you’ve made me so much stronger emotionally, intellectually, and academically.  And I wouldn’t trade that strength for anything.

Thank you for presenting me with my most testing moments, and forcing me to be strong.  Thank you for allowing me to make mistakes, and making me realize that it’s okay.

Thank you for being my home.  My safe haven.  My happy place.

I love you so much.

Sincerely,

A Forever Indebted Swimmer

Fear

With Halloween fresh in our hearts and a 90-minute Walking Dead tonight, it is no wonder that FEAR is on my mind.

fear

ˈfir/

noun

1. 1.

   an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.

verb

1. 1.

   be afraid of (someone or something) as likely to be dangerous, painful, or threatening.

So there you are, FEAR. It is the likely to cause pain part that preoccupies me. 

Today I was watching the BG Marathon runners struggle through mile 16  which was by my house. The facial expressions ranged from pure agony to anger. I thought, "do I really want to put this on my bucket list?" That is FEAR talking. 

Erin announced the other day that we will soon be doing the Regional WOD from last year, 15.5. This is 27-21-15-9 reps for time of:

Row (calories)
Thrusters

It was the closest I have come to puking at CrossFit until we had the Filthy Fifty mentioned in an earlier post. 

OF ALL THE WODS she could have picked... really? The one that - and I am not kidding - haunts my dreams.

When she announced this, I must have gone pale, because Stephanie looked at me and asked me if I was OK. I told her my story. "But you are stronger now," she told me.

And she is right, I am. But I think we all have those workouts that linger in our souls, that haunt us, because they left us on the floor in a different way than other WODs.

15.5  showed me where I was physically and mentally last year. Even with Erin yelling at me to "not drop the bar" I had to. It was messy. I just wanted it to end.

And here we are. My FEAR is talking to me again.

I think what is now a much bigger FEAR than pain is failure. My FEAR in CrossFit early-on WAS pain. I had not had a journey through pain like CrossFit since I was a swimmer in high school. I had to reintroduce my body to being an athlete - lactic acid and fatigue.

But the intensity of Sport Training got me used to another level of pain. Just embrace the suck. So now I feel the pressure to perform on another lever. I don't want to let my peers down, my coach down, and yes, myself down. I don't want to fail. That is my new FEAR.

It is not just revisiting 15.5, it is also performing well at the Reindeer Rampage and CrossFitting 4 Cures, two upcoming competitions. I want to succeed. I want to win. I want to NOT fail.

So how do I move past that FEAR?

I think that will be a work in progress, but here is what my current game plan will be:

1. Shut the Fuck up! In other words, get out of my head and stop thinking about how awful 15.5 was the first time I did it, or who will be my competition at Reindeer Rampage. It is just about going in and giving it my all for minutes at a time. Tell myself...just get one more rep, then one more, then one more.

2. Realize that FEAR is part of learning and growing and so is failure. And that it is not "FEAR" but "fear." I will fail. I cannot get better at anything without failing. So I do not need to be afraid of failure.

3. Finally, I need to recognize I have conquered fear in the Box before: climbing to the top of a rope, jumping on a higher box, putting heavy weight over my head, even running my first 1/2 marathon - all fears that I have overcome. (Well, still working on that heavy weight over my head- thing)

That is easier said than done, but that is where I am.

I am signing off now to watch The Walking Dead and to be afraid for awhile in a fictional show- my escape. Because it is just easier to drink a glass of wine and be afraid of a TV show than to face a weaknesses.

peeeeeeeeeee-aarrrrrrrrrrrrs!

Well it did happen.
My 5 pound wish came true.
We recently had to assess our milestones, our one rep Bests in weightlifting, gymnastics and metcon (metabolic conditioning) - we call them PR's.
And the magic happened.
I decided to attempt my deadlift on the first day (we had 4 days to work on the long list of Bests).
I started at 185...195...then...BOOM 200!!!!!!! Then 210!!!!!!!! I scared Steven, one of my teammates, screaming a few choice words, and gave Meta a full body hug.
Many PR's (personal records) came that week, not just for me, but for my teammates as well. We had a good week.

It was a good motivator.
But there was something restless inside, still eating at me, like it was not enough.
I had no way of explaining it to myself, my coach or my fellow crossfitters. I still had an itch not scratched.
How could that be?
We build our whole workouts and goals around PR's. It is the holy grail, what you strive for. You write them down in journals, on white boards and splatter them on Facebook (so your non-crossfit friends can roll their eyes and make snarky comments!)
PR's are great, I was in the Box the other day when Dave, a morning regular, hit 360lb on his deadlift. It was a joyful moment and we all cheered.
I have witnessed my peers get their first muscle up, their first pull-up, a first rope climb and a new PR on a heavy lift or a new time on a female WOD like Fran. It is energizing.
If you go to the national website, athletes are encouraged to enter times - there is a cultural support for people bettering their moves, their times and their lifts.
I had done well that week, for me, so what was my problem?

Then Erin nailed it this past Monday. A group of our athletes had competed at a CrossFit competition over the weekend in North Carolina. They had done well- many personal bests - but not finished at a high rank. I think that forced Erin and the athletes, particularly Steven, to think about how they could train different.

Erin spoke about the intensity of the competition. She said that often we are not quick enough in our movement, we do not explode. Our movements are methodical, she said.
This made me queazy.
Because I knew what she meant.
I can move quick, but it is different to bring high intensity to the floor every day. It is a different experience to do a workout than to do a workout so hard and so fast that you think you are going to puke. And do that Every Day.
I started to doubt myself, that I could achieve going to a dark place, to find some level of inner strength like she was describing.

Now to give myself a bit of credit, I have been able to accomplish this at CrossFit Old School in the past. We had a WOD once that involved running 6 miles and doing an insane amount of deadlifts, then there is Murph. Murph is a hero WOD that consists of a 1 mile run, 100 pullups, 200 pushups, 300 air squats and another 1 mile run. I love that WOD. I can find a level of intensity when I do workouts like that - I can go to a "place" inside.

But I was not finding that lately, and I realized that is why I still had an itch. I needed a workout that reminded me that CrossFit takes guts.
We received this challenge yesterday in the form of a WOD called Filthy Fifty: ten moves, fifty reps each. But Erin required a set of three squat snatches for every unbroken set of the ten moves. That made me woozy.
I started doubting whether or not I could make it through this workout. I really like Filthy Fifty on a normal day, but I relied on the crutch that I could stop. Erin was saying, "no" to that, not stopping...find your new level of intensity. OK. Suck it Up Buttercup!

3,2,1 Go! We were in. I made all my box jumps unbroken. A move that a few months ago, at that height, made me shudder. I had to break up my pull-ups, but I did more than normal unbroken. I fell apart on my kettlebells a bit, even with Erin yelling at me, but recovered at my lunges - again unbroken. Knees to elbows...get through them...push press...almost unbroken...back extensions...my move...nailed them (my dark place is taking over now)...just a move at a time Jeanie...you can do this...damn I hate squat snatches...Erin comes up and makes sure I am doing them to perfection when I have to come out of my wallballs twice...fuck...I am dying now...burpees...I have already felt like throwing up three times...more burpees...just get through these...double unders...I can't see...the sweat is burning my eyes...I can't get more than four at a time...Erin slows me down and coaches me through...I get seven...she sends me to my snatches...fuck...I am so tired and mad...get this Jeanie!...and with the end in sight, with Meta and Julie there yelling at me, I knock out 18 in a row. I do not know where that came from, but there it was. I was done. 42 minutes and 38 seconds.
I was destroyed, but I was done. I was proud of those 18 double unders - they took guts. I wanted to quit and I didn't.

I cooled down, joked with Stephanie about her chocolate milk habit, hugged my friends, we accomplished something significant, and we knew it. We were exhausted but we were complete.

Sometimes I walk out of there and realize I am different than when I walked in. My discovery?
I learned I do have guts to finish something hard, really hard. And THAT can feel more significant than a PR.

a thought about discipline

I have a Pintrest pin that says,
"Discipline is just choosing between what you want now and what you want most."

This has been an important statement in my Crossfit journey because nothing has tested my patience with performance more than my time at the box. Nothing has come "now."

I recently had my three-year anniversary at Crossfit Old School and yes, my accomplishments have been worth a brag or two. I went from walking a mile two times a week to running half marathons and deadlifting almost 200 pounds. I can climb ropes, jump on boxes and do hand-stand push-ups.

Crossfit is hard.

It makes me feel like I have accomplished something every day. But it is not instant gratification. Learning to get my double unders took two years. Getting a kipping pull-up took the same. I still struggle every day with overhead squats - mine really suck. No they really do.

I bring this up because I just read an article by a former Crossfitter that states that Crossfit is "exercise and not training."
Here is the stated post: https://www.t-nation.com/training/crossfit-the-good-bad-and-the-ugly
Um, gotta disagree.

The sport training is pure, 100% training. We spend a tedious amount of time on form and technique. But even before I got into the CFOS Sports Program I learned that at my box. I do get concerned that too many boxes are sprouting up in the US and there is bad coaching running amuck. But my box has great coaches. I am lucky.

I also know how to reach out for help if I need it.

With my double unders I was not getting the hang of it. Erin, Donna, no one, could coach me. I was frustrated. I bought a book- didn't help. I watched videos- no luck. I bought a new rope- ugh. Finally I had the nerve to reach out to a local coach of a jump rope team called the Jumping Jaguars. They are the only competitive jump roping team in Kentucky. Could this man help me?

I emailed him. Ha! Imagine getting an email from a 48-year-old mom asking if I could have lessons in double unders!!! But Keith was great and took me on as a project. We met several times in the evening, trying different ropes and different techniques. And low and behold the man taught me what I needed to know, plus I practiced and practiced and practiced. And then I practiced some more.

Today during the WOD we had double unders, and I could hang with my teammates like a champ.

So what is my point?

My point is that this programming is training AND exercise. I walk out of the gym with a daily gratification, but I am slowly building myself into an athlete that can do things I would never have thought I could do 3 years ago. I just have to remember that on days like today, I proved to myself that hard work pays off. Goals can be set and accomplished.

Discipline means listening to your coaches, it means reaching out for help and it means throwing yourself into your workout every day with great intensity.
So I choose what I want MOST even if it takes time..to get stronger and to have better form.
That ain't your typical exercise Mark.

Compete or Die! and give me a hug when you're done!

Competition.
There are 570 million results when you Google this word. It can mean fighting for awards, recognition, a mate or status. In CrossFit it is about bettering yourself...ultimately. But there is competition between athletes...oh yes.

I have competed in several CrossFit events in my three years with CFOS. The biggest has been our gym's CrossFitting 4 Cures. It usually draws about 70 to 90 athletes from around the region to compete in a series of events. I have competed in this event two times and would not write home about my performance.

The gym takes on a different feeling when the international games begin the preliminary event called The Open. All gym members participate. It usually makes me a bit nauseous.

This summer a new event emerged called Chlorine and Chalk. I could not believe it! An event that combined swimming - my strength- with Crossfit. And I could actually compete in the highest women's event which is called "RX" meaning you have to use the weights prescribed. I can't always compete RX, but I could manage these weights!
I needed a partner though.
One of our members, Gabby, wanted to compete, too. She is not a strong swimmer, but she is all heart and can lift some serious weight. We decided we would enter.
I had no expectations of winning, so I was relaxed and performed well. The competition was fun!
That was my latest CrossFit epiphany - I have them a lot! Relax during competition - don't get all jacked-up about it - and perform better.

Rivalry
One of the best parts of competing in Sports Training is the camaraderie and friendly rivalry. Meta and I are heading to Franklin, Tn in two weekends to race in a 5K. She has a great smile, and it was the biggest I have ever seen it when she challenged me to this race. We will have a great time, but I plan on kicking her butt. :)

Our Sports athletes have competed two Saturdays in a row in team events. Erin's plan, in my opinion, is to get us comfortable competing from a healthy place. If we see it is fun, if we also work hard, performance improves. I Pr'd my double unders during one of the events. No nausea that day!

The other day we had a plank contest at the gym. We had to hold a plank in different positions for about 5 minutes and then for as long as possible on our elbows. I was the last master's division member left planking - 8 minutes. The last minute was for me - to know I could do it, but it was also because I saw Julie Holt still at it.

Julie is crazy competitive.
It is what makes her an international-level athlete, and she is strong as hell.

Today we did a 4-round WOD of 400 meter runs and 21 deadlifts. By the last round she was ahead of me on the run. I tried to pass her, but she could feel me behind her. She would speed up...stay just ahead of me. I pushed her and she pushed me. It was great. By the time we made it to the gym to finish the deadlifts we were a bit spent, but she had enough in her to beat me by about thirty seconds.
I love that about our Sports Program team. We push each other and that makes us push ourselves in the process.

Competition and Rivalry mean - in my world - bonding with my fellow athletes. When it comes down to the end, I will cheer for Gabby to finish her swim, even though we won't win the race. It means I will hug Julie for her great performance today because she pushed herself to go farther and faster. It means running with Meta, so that we will both go have a fast time on a beautiful night in Franklin, Tn. This is why I am an addict. I love these people.

CrossFit Murray posted this:
Your CrossFit accomplishment, how much you lift, how fast you run or your athletic capacity does not indicate what kind of person you are.
But being coachable, respectful, a great teammate, mentally tough, resilient, and honest (including range of motion and counting correctly) IS a direct reflection of your character.

Here is my competitive mission: to give all I have to myself and my teammates.
And if I win a race along the way - I won't kick it out of bed!