Well it did happen.
My 5 pound wish came true.
We recently had to assess our milestones, our one rep Bests in weightlifting, gymnastics and metcon (metabolic conditioning) - we call them PR's.
And the magic happened.
I decided to attempt my deadlift on the first day (we had 4 days to work on the long list of Bests).
I started at 185...195...then...BOOM 200!!!!!!! Then 210!!!!!!!! I scared Steven, one of my teammates, screaming a few choice words, and gave Meta a full body hug.
Many PR's (personal records) came that week, not just for me, but for my teammates as well. We had a good week.
It was a good motivator.
But there was something restless inside, still eating at me, like it was not enough.
I had no way of explaining it to myself, my coach or my fellow crossfitters. I still had an itch not scratched.
How could that be?
We build our whole workouts and goals around PR's. It is the holy grail, what you strive for. You write them down in journals, on white boards and splatter them on Facebook (so your non-crossfit friends can roll their eyes and make snarky comments!)
PR's are great, I was in the Box the other day when Dave, a morning regular, hit 360lb on his deadlift. It was a joyful moment and we all cheered.
I have witnessed my peers get their first muscle up, their first pull-up, a first rope climb and a new PR on a heavy lift or a new time on a female WOD like Fran. It is energizing.
If you go to the national website, athletes are encouraged to enter times - there is a cultural support for people bettering their moves, their times and their lifts.
I had done well that week, for me, so what was my problem?
Then Erin nailed it this past Monday. A group of our athletes had competed at a CrossFit competition over the weekend in North Carolina. They had done well- many personal bests - but not finished at a high rank. I think that forced Erin and the athletes, particularly Steven, to think about how they could train different.
Erin spoke about the intensity of the competition. She said that often we are not quick enough in our movement, we do not explode. Our movements are methodical, she said.
This made me queazy.
Because I knew what she meant.
I can move quick, but it is different to bring high intensity to the floor every day. It is a different experience to do a workout than to do a workout so hard and so fast that you think you are going to puke. And do that Every Day.
I started to doubt myself, that I could achieve going to a dark place, to find some level of inner strength like she was describing.
Now to give myself a bit of credit, I have been able to accomplish this at CrossFit Old School in the past. We had a WOD once that involved running 6 miles and doing an insane amount of deadlifts, then there is Murph. Murph is a hero WOD that consists of a 1 mile run, 100 pullups, 200 pushups, 300 air squats and another 1 mile run. I love that WOD. I can find a level of intensity when I do workouts like that - I can go to a "place" inside.
But I was not finding that lately, and I realized that is why I still had an itch. I needed a workout that reminded me that CrossFit takes guts.
We received this challenge yesterday in the form of a WOD called Filthy Fifty: ten moves, fifty reps each. But Erin required a set of three squat snatches for every unbroken set of the ten moves. That made me woozy.
I started doubting whether or not I could make it through this workout. I really like Filthy Fifty on a normal day, but I relied on the crutch that I could stop. Erin was saying, "no" to that, not stopping...find your new level of intensity. OK. Suck it Up Buttercup!
3,2,1 Go! We were in. I made all my box jumps unbroken. A move that a few months ago, at that height, made me shudder. I had to break up my pull-ups, but I did more than normal unbroken. I fell apart on my kettlebells a bit, even with Erin yelling at me, but recovered at my lunges - again unbroken. Knees to elbows...get through them...push press...almost unbroken...back extensions...my move...nailed them (my dark place is taking over now)...just a move at a time Jeanie...you can do this...damn I hate squat snatches...Erin comes up and makes sure I am doing them to perfection when I have to come out of my wallballs twice...fuck...I am dying now...burpees...I have already felt like throwing up three times...more burpees...just get through these...double unders...I can't see...the sweat is burning my eyes...I can't get more than four at a time...Erin slows me down and coaches me through...I get seven...she sends me to my snatches...fuck...I am so tired and mad...get this Jeanie!...and with the end in sight, with Meta and Julie there yelling at me, I knock out 18 in a row. I do not know where that came from, but there it was. I was done. 42 minutes and 38 seconds.
I was destroyed, but I was done. I was proud of those 18 double unders - they took guts. I wanted to quit and I didn't.
I cooled down, joked with Stephanie about her chocolate milk habit, hugged my friends, we accomplished something significant, and we knew it. We were exhausted but we were complete.
Sometimes I walk out of there and realize I am different than when I walked in. My discovery?
I learned I do have guts to finish something hard, really hard. And THAT can feel more significant than a PR.
