It is funny, I am a professor in the Western Kentucky Photojournalism program. We are one of the top programs in the nation. I talk to my students all the time about taking risks...putting yourself out there...failing. Yet when it comes to my own, well, that is a bit more challenging. I don't want to fail.
So that 15.5 redo...epic fail. A few WODs after...epic fail. Now to my credit I have also had some really, really good days. Really good days that I cherish. But I am not good at failure, and this is why that is a problem.
Let me start with my day today.
I was working on my snatch balance with Derrick today. He is a great coach and always, patiently corrects my moves. I am very appreciative.
It helps that he is a psychologist because I am a mental disaster, it seems to take me a long time to get weightlifting moves to become natural. I want to pull the weight with my arms. I want to be in control. Not fail. That will only get me so far.
When we were finished he said something very important - "you need to go up in your weight...you are not lifting heavy enough."
I thought he meant that I was just being a wuss:
wuss
wo͝os/
informal
noun
- 1.a weak or ineffectual person (often used as a general term of abuse).
verb
- 1.fail to do or complete something as a result of fear or lack of confidence."she'll probably wuss out because she fears my mighty bowling prowess"
Yes. That verb was talking to me.
But when I got home and had a longer discussion with my husband (a former college wrestler and weightlifter) I realized what Derrick was saying was much more profound than that.
In order to improve - in order to make my form correct, I had to move PAST the comfort zone where I could muscle up the weight.
I will not improve in form as long as stay at a weight where I can use bad form. BUT since I don't want to FAIL I stay at 65lbs instead of going to 75 lbs.
There is a bit of pressure being in the Sports Program. The expectations are high. Can failure be a part of that? It has to be. I have to put labels and expectations out of my head. I have to focus on what will make me a stronger, mindful athlete. Mentally I must prepare for success and failure. Both will be a part of a program this intense.
So in my journey to pursue 5 more pounds (metaphorically) I am pushing the weight. I will be more comfortable with failure. I will remind myself how to properly drop the bar, because it will probably be happening more regularly.
Failure has to be a part of CrossFit training. It is funny, I never judge my fellow athletes when they fail, I never judge my students, my daughter or anyone else - I even admire some failures. I understand that if someone is pushing themselves to an uncomfortable place, failure is necessary.
Michael Jordan said, "I can accept failure, everyone fails at something. I can't accept not trying."
That is important. If my coaches will have patience with me, I will not give up. My form will improve. My mobility will improve. I will become the athlete I wish to be. And failure will be part of the journey. It has to be.
