Stole this but worth reading

This is a post I found about swimming, which I can totally relate to as a competitive swimmer in high school (and I still swim once a week). But why I post it on my CrossFit blog, is that it works just as well if you substitute "crossfit" for swimming...

It is called "Dear Swimming, the best thing that ever happened to me" (remember, just sub in "crossfit")

Courtesy of Swimtern Bryana Cielo.  Follow: @BryanaCielo

You have made me cry a million times. You’ve made me think to the point of mental exhaustion, and you’ve broken down my body. You’ve made me immune to Advil.

But at the same time, you’ve made me smile a million and one times. You’ve taught me how to have a winner’s mindset and how to fight through physical pain. You’ve taught me how to help myself.

It’s no question you are one of the hardest sports out there. Us swimmers need to be fit, but not just in their legs or their arms. Everywhere. Your training is relentless. The clock has no mercy. It won’t hear our excuses.
And even when we’re positive and we put all of ourselves into you, sometimes races still don’t go our way. Because mental strength is just as important. We have to know how to make our bodies do exactly what it needs to do, at exactly the right moment. And if we make one mistake, it could cost us half a second. And half a second could mean everything.

As much as you have broken down my confidence, you’ve built it right back up.  You have enabled me to discipline myself like very few people in this world ever will.  You have taught me how to prioritize.  But, most importantly, you have taught me how to keep pushing when the going gets tough.  And it took me a long time to realize how strong you have made me.

Throughout my decade as a swimmer, I’ve watched so many people quit.  I’ve asked myself why I swim.  But the answer was always simple: I just can’t give it up.

Even though it’s been a few years since I’ve swam a lifetime best, I’ve come too far to quit.  You’ve planted a strong desire in me to lower the number on the board.  It’s never gone away, and I don’t think it ever will.  That desire is what makes us true athletes.  The relentless, never-good-enough attitude.  Always wanting to be better.  Thank you for making me always want to be better.

You are a huge part of who I am.  I’ve never seen another sport that is as complex as you are.  You’re a team sport, but if we mess up, it’s on us, and only us.  You’re physically challenging but you also forces us to be in incredibly good mental shape.  And nothing teaches dedication like staring at the same black line for 15 hours a week.

I held onto you because no matter how much you broke me down on the pool deck, you’ve made me so much stronger emotionally, intellectually, and academically.  And I wouldn’t trade that strength for anything.

Thank you for presenting me with my most testing moments, and forcing me to be strong.  Thank you for allowing me to make mistakes, and making me realize that it’s okay.

Thank you for being my home.  My safe haven.  My happy place.

I love you so much.

Sincerely,

A Forever Indebted Swimmer

Fear

With Halloween fresh in our hearts and a 90-minute Walking Dead tonight, it is no wonder that FEAR is on my mind.

fear

ˈfir/

noun

1. 1.

   an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.

verb

1. 1.

   be afraid of (someone or something) as likely to be dangerous, painful, or threatening.

So there you are, FEAR. It is the likely to cause pain part that preoccupies me. 

Today I was watching the BG Marathon runners struggle through mile 16  which was by my house. The facial expressions ranged from pure agony to anger. I thought, "do I really want to put this on my bucket list?" That is FEAR talking. 

Erin announced the other day that we will soon be doing the Regional WOD from last year, 15.5. This is 27-21-15-9 reps for time of:

Row (calories)
Thrusters

It was the closest I have come to puking at CrossFit until we had the Filthy Fifty mentioned in an earlier post. 

OF ALL THE WODS she could have picked... really? The one that - and I am not kidding - haunts my dreams.

When she announced this, I must have gone pale, because Stephanie looked at me and asked me if I was OK. I told her my story. "But you are stronger now," she told me.

And she is right, I am. But I think we all have those workouts that linger in our souls, that haunt us, because they left us on the floor in a different way than other WODs.

15.5  showed me where I was physically and mentally last year. Even with Erin yelling at me to "not drop the bar" I had to. It was messy. I just wanted it to end.

And here we are. My FEAR is talking to me again.

I think what is now a much bigger FEAR than pain is failure. My FEAR in CrossFit early-on WAS pain. I had not had a journey through pain like CrossFit since I was a swimmer in high school. I had to reintroduce my body to being an athlete - lactic acid and fatigue.

But the intensity of Sport Training got me used to another level of pain. Just embrace the suck. So now I feel the pressure to perform on another lever. I don't want to let my peers down, my coach down, and yes, myself down. I don't want to fail. That is my new FEAR.

It is not just revisiting 15.5, it is also performing well at the Reindeer Rampage and CrossFitting 4 Cures, two upcoming competitions. I want to succeed. I want to win. I want to NOT fail.

So how do I move past that FEAR?

I think that will be a work in progress, but here is what my current game plan will be:

1. Shut the Fuck up! In other words, get out of my head and stop thinking about how awful 15.5 was the first time I did it, or who will be my competition at Reindeer Rampage. It is just about going in and giving it my all for minutes at a time. Tell myself...just get one more rep, then one more, then one more.

2. Realize that FEAR is part of learning and growing and so is failure. And that it is not "FEAR" but "fear." I will fail. I cannot get better at anything without failing. So I do not need to be afraid of failure.

3. Finally, I need to recognize I have conquered fear in the Box before: climbing to the top of a rope, jumping on a higher box, putting heavy weight over my head, even running my first 1/2 marathon - all fears that I have overcome. (Well, still working on that heavy weight over my head- thing)

That is easier said than done, but that is where I am.

I am signing off now to watch The Walking Dead and to be afraid for awhile in a fictional show- my escape. Because it is just easier to drink a glass of wine and be afraid of a TV show than to face a weaknesses.